A Coffee Gangster and A Child Change My World

I remember the day clearly. My son was 18 months old and picking through the toys in the toy box we kept in the living room. My daughter was just a few weeks old and I sat on the couch nursing her. I was watching General Hospital because I was bored. The boredom that a stay-at-home mother feels on occasion should not be underestimated. I loved my kids more than I can possibly explain, but day after day of rhymes, fingerplays and working on easy puzzles can grow old quick! Even though General Hospital wasn't really taking away the boredom, at least the adults on the screen were speaking in full sentence and that was definitely something!

The scene was with Sonny Corinthos and he, being the coffee gangster that he was, was holding a gun to someone's head. Truly cheesier scripts have never been written and I was actually smiling at the absurdity of the whole premise. Then I glanced over at my boy. He was holding a toy, but his attention was on the screen. He was engrossed. I was amused. Then I looked at the screen and I did something I started doing simply to stave off the boredom, I tried to view things from his perspective, using the little knowledge I assumed he had. It struck me like a lightening bolt!

Here is this little guy, not yet two. He's learned so much but still had so much to learn. He could not yet know what was real and what was make believe. He did not yet understand the nuances of our language. This child (as are all children) was literal. What he was watching was a very unpleasant scene where a man was threatening someone with a gun and he was soaking it all up like a sponge. Is this one of the first scenes I wanted my child to witness? If it was real would I try to shield it from him? The answers came flooding in. If this was really happening I would be horrified that my son was a witness to it, yet to him IT WAS really happening and HE WAS witnessing it!

Needless to say that was the end of my General Hospital viewing. I developed a distaste for it so great that to this day I can't watch it. That wasn't the only thing that changed that day. Viewing the world the way my kids see it has been fascinating. It's been a blessing and sometimes a curse. I see wonder and beauty and sometimes I see hatred and sadness. I see potential in the simplest things and I see horror in the actions of men. To say that my children have opened my eyes is an understatement.

So I challenge you to take a moment, this moment to look at your child and try to see the world from their perspective, their view with their experience. What do you see? Do you see the gum stuck to the underside of a park bench? Do you see how high the top of that slide is? Do you see the concern in their frown when they watch yet another murder on T.V.? Do you see the wonder when they find a mushroom and learn it's name?

Will viewing the world through your child's eyes change the way you see things? Will it change the things you do or say? Can you put yourself in that place? I want to hear from you.

You're Doing Fine

Parenting is not a job for wimps. Before I had children, I was a strong confident woman that could answer any question. In fact, shortly after my husband and I met, we spent one of our dates sitting around his kitchen table asking each other questions out of The Little Book Of Questions. I answered every question without hesitation. He took more time and sometimes said he just didn't know what he'd do...he was already a father. Things that seem simple and black and white take on new gravity when you become a parent. Add to it, all the advice of experts and you really start to second guess yourself. You may mention that you co-sleep to a dear friend and she'll warn you about the danger of smothering your child. You may say you rather sleep in your own bed and you'll be lectured on the benefits of attachment parenting.

The truth of the matter is that you a doing fine. In fact, the more simply you live your life, the better you are probably doing. Do you let your kids have plenty of opportunities for unstructured play? Great! Do you balance it out with maybe one extra-curricular activity (if they are six or older) during the week? Great! Do you enjoy your kids and feel relaxed when you are around them? Great! Do you read to them...even if they are school-aged? Awesome!
You are doing great!

What if you feel you are not doing great? You may feel that you are not doing enough. The problems begin when you start to worry. Does you infant seem distracted when you put flashcards in front of him? Put the flashcards away and engage him in a game of peek-a-boo. Is your child so over scheduled that he often sleeps in the car or bus while traveling to an activity? Stop the activity. Is your child obsessed with video games? Get rid of them! If you are worried about how your child is measuring up, stop, take a deep breath and read on...

I'm talking here about worry in general. There is a difference between that and a genuine concern in particular. If you have a genuine concern, seek out professional help and educate yourself as fully as possible with whatever it is that concerns you. If you have a general worry that your child "doesn't have an edge," or "he's not on par with his peers," or "he's never going to succeed at this rate," then the problem doesn't lie with your child, it lies with you. If you are cranky and running yourself ragged so your 4 year old can take music and karate, in addition to preschool. Stop!

I'm about to make a radical suggestion. If the above sounds like you, take a one month break! For the period of one month cease all or as many activities as you can. If you are working and your child must go to daycare, then just do that for one month. I'm talking about no t.v., no video games, no extra-curricular activities. Nothing but time with your child. For the first week, you are both going to be a little stir crazy. Your child will want to be entertained. You will feel that this is more difficult than running around. This is the time to establish a rhythm, if you haven't already done so. Be strict about your child's bedtime routine.

Now at the end of the month you may notice some changes in both you and your child. Your child's creativity will flourish. His ability to entertain himself will have increased. You will realize that play dough is not as messy as you imagined. You will learn that cleaning up watercolor spills are easier than running all over town with a tired child in tow. You will both be more relaxed and there will be more laughter and fun in your home. In raising your children always keep in mind this quote from Henry David Thoreau:

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”

Blessings,

Alida

Quality vs Quantity

What exactly is quality time? Twenty years ago when I started out in child care "quality time" were the buzz words in the industry. We told parents that as long as they spent "quality time" with their kids, everything would be okay. Better to spend a half hour completely focused then all day taking care of other things while your child tagged along virtually ignored. I bought it! I actually believed it was true. I don't believe it anymore. Let me explain.

Quality time is certainly very important especially if you are a working parent. This much is true. However quantity is also very important. Even when we are not completely focused on our children, they are learning from us and this can be a very good thing. Parents understand the importance of getting things like the dishes or laundry done and let's be honest, sitting for hours on the floor with your toddler can get very boring. No need to feel guilty if you are not entirely engaged 100% of the time. As we go about our day, our children are learning and emulating us. If you are doing dishes, give your little ones the Tupperware in a bin and let them wipe them down. Water is completely optional. If you are baking, give you child a small piece of dough and let them knead along with you. You need not be "engaged," you don't even need to talk, just being together teaches your child about life. He learns to entertain himself, he learns what it takes to run a home. He learns that mom or dad have responsibilities beyond them. (although, honestly that last one doesn't really kick in until he is way, way older.)

Yes, you should spend time focused on your child, give them your attention, your smiles, hugs and kisses. You should sit with them at meal times and teach them that there is reverence in nourishment. These things are all important. Quantity of time is important for your child to learn what his family values. He will learn what is important, what needs to get done. Years ago my then 5 year old followed me into the bathroom and as I got down on my knees to scrub the tub he said, "You actually have to clean the bath tub?" It made me laugh, but that is how they learn, but watching us and modeling what we do. So today when people tell me that they spend a lot of "quality" time with their kids, I congratulate them. I remind however that quantity is also important.

Are You Ready?

Tell me your story. How did you become a parent? Did things go as planned? Are you comfortable in your role as a parent? Are you overwhelmed? Do you think you could feel better, have more fun, enjoy your children and your life, but don't quite know where to start?

Are you ready? Are you ready to make 2012 the year where you start living your life with purpose and joy? Are you ready to be the parent you know you can be? Are you ready to face the challenges with vigor and anticipation?

I'm offering five (5) one on one coaching sessions at no cost to the first five (5) parents who contact me. The coaching will take place the month of February with one session a week. Each session will be catered to the individual family situation. Each week will focus on a specific topic. By the end of the five sessions you will be able to notice a wonderful difference in the atmosphere in your home, in your attitude towards your children, and you will notice a difference in your children's attitudes.

Week 1 -- Identify the parent you want to be.

• Work to set manageable goals for you, your home and your children.

Week 2 -- Declutter your environment.

• We will work to declutter your physical environment and your also to declutter your mind of ideas or goals that are no longer working for you.
  

Week 3 -- Start your Action Plan

• Implement the goals and expectations from you first week. Learn how to bring your kids on board without a struggle.

Week 4 -- Review, Adjust and Thrive

• Look at what's working, what needs to be changed or challenged. Continue to grow into your role as a parent.
  

Week 5 -- Plan for Change

• Your child will not be a toddler or adolescent forever. Plan and guide yourself into the adult relationship you'll have with your child someday. (This is my favorite and most exciting class)
  

The coaching will be one on one. NO ONE else will be listening in on our conversation so it's completely confidential. It can take place in person, if you are local or via a teleconference if you are from out of town. These sessions are limited to only five parents so don't delay in scheduling yours today. Go to the Contact Me page on this blog to get started. I'm so excited! I hope your ready!

2012

The New Year has begun to slowly unfold before us. We are thrilled to be providing children a place to learn, to explore and to enjoy their many varied talents. As we plan for 2012, we want to include parents into the mix. We never stop learning, exploring or enjoying. It's not child's play, it's life. This year we will be launching classes for adults. You'll be learning to be a role model (or perhaps recognizing that you already are), you'll be learning to parent and/or mentor consciously and with purpose.

Stay tuned for more information soon. In the meantime, we wish you much love and prosperity in 2012.

Santa Baby

The excitement of the Christmas season is palpable in young children. Unfortunately, the stress of parents can also be palpable. This holiday season I invite you to sit back for a moment and consider the realities of the season and to make a leap of faith that this year it will be truly memorable and magical, the kind of Christmas that every child deserves.

Let’s start with a simple Christmas task. Make a list and check it twice. What and who is on your holiday gift list this year? Is your six year old asking for an I-pad? Have the number of people on the list grown exponentially through the years? Will buying everything on your list for everyone on your list leave you in debt until next Christmas or beyond?

Parents so often express disbelief when their children rip through the packaging on Christmas morning only to complain a few minutes later that they are bored or worse, they play with the boxes, not the toys that came in them! Yet, year after year, we do the same thing expecting different results. Isn’t that the definition of insanity according to Einstein? So this year instead of expecting different, let’s do different. This year make the holidays really meaningful by scaling back, relaxing and enjoying the time we spend with our loved ones.

Change one thing this year. Here are a few suggestions to get you started.

1. 1. Instead of going shopping one night, stay in and bake cookies with your kids.

   2. Instead of buying another plastic, noisy toy, make a toy for your child.

   (Check these out. If you don’t sew, try this or this and throw it in a Christmas Gift Bag.)

   3. Think outside of Target or mall stores and give your kids something really great!

   (I got my kids plastic pipes from the hardware store. They played with them ALL summer long, just add water)

   4. Forgo gifts and have everyone over for Christmas Dinner or cook for someone who can’t.

   5. Consider a donation in someone’s name.

   6. Buy a memory, instead of a toy. (Tickets to the Nutcracker Ballet, a weekend camping, a day off school to spend at the aquarium, museum or painting with your child or significant other.)

   7. Open only one gift on Christmas day. Stretch the gift giving until the 6^th of January (Three Kings Day.) Each day the gift gets smaller, such as favorite card game, a candy bar, coins from different countries.

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See how it feels to do one little thing differently, but consciously. Give yourself and your kids credit. You’ll be surprised that their excitement won’t diminish because the gifts are small or there are less of them or they are handmade. Children delight in the change of routine, the staying up late and drinking hot cocoa. They delight in the stories, in the family. They delight in knowing that this handmade gift is one of a kind, no one else will have one. Christmas is not about shopping or checking off a to do list, it’s about coming together in the spirit of rebirth and celebration. Children intrinsically get it. We adults should let them enjoy it, without spoiling it for them with our worries or expectations.

Merry Christmas to you and yours and may the peace of a newborn baby forever live in your heart.

Alida

Fear and Children

I've started about four different blog posts in the past week. Somehow none of them came to fruition. They all just fizzled out midway and I lost interest. This morning a story on NPR caught my attention. It was concerning the new regulations proposed by the Department of Labor concerning youths working on farms. You can read the story in the Farm Futures blog.

Immediately I asked myself what this was really about. Is the government REALLY trying to eliminate family farms all together? Is this a cynical plan by Con-Agra to consolidate their power in producing "great food?" (Their words, not mine.) Then I heard the spokesperson for the Department of Labor. He spoke about the dangers of "children" driving farm equipment. He remembered his grandfather being hospitalized for months after an accident with a forklift or a combine or some other machinery that I know nothing about. He seemed genuinely concerned.

Of course this all left me asking more questions. Was his grandfather a child when he had his accident? I doubt it, since he remembered it. So, does that mean that if his grandfather had a horrible accident, a child is bound to have one too? I'm not trying to make light or diminish the inherent dangers of big machinery. I am trying to bring to light that there is inherent danger in any experience once you are born. Driving a car, flying a plane, climbing a mountain are all inherently dangerous, yet people do these things, often with children in tow. Climbing a tree is considered too dangerous by some homeowners associations. Walking to school is considered dangerous by most communities.

In a society where we have little to fear, (except our own power and stupidity) we have come to fear our own shadow and we are instilling this fear into our children by shielding them from all dangers, real or perceived. We do not fight wars on our land, we do not die of thirst or starvation, yet we protect our children from the joys and challenges of lives as if their lives depended on it.

It does! Their lives depend on taking risks if we want them to be fulfilled. Their lives depend on being purposeful if we want them to be productive. Their lives depend on the ability to explore their limits, talents, capabilities and curiosity to the very precipice of their being in order to be able to take the reins from these very frightened adults and make fearless decisions about their future.

There is of course another argument against this farm youth labor law which I am just as passionate about, that is the hubris of government believing that it can make better decisions in family matters than families can. How far will we allow government to reach into our lives? The Department of Labor thinks that by passing laws it can better protect children within their own families, yet the USDA wants pizza to have vegetable status. The question then becomes which of these two things is hurting more of our children? Each year hundreds of children are hurt or killed on farms but how many are being slowly killed of future heart disease and diabetes by the horrendous diets served to millions at our local public schools? How many children our we harming by restricting access to fresh air and physical activity? How many children are we dumbing down by continuously restricting them of every conceivable danger? How many laws will the government need to pass in order to keep our children safe? More importantly who is protecting them from perhaps well-meaning but terribly frightened adults?

Parent Reform

If schools, faculty and/or their unions, if government cannot solve the myriad of issues and problems in public education, then who can? I think we can. We have to reform our thoughts about education and what having a good education means. We have to make sure education is accessible to our children and that it is accessible to us. Education has been elevated to a point where only experts have a say, even teachers are being left out of the loop. There are many things happening around the world that should outrage us, but education is something that we can tangibly influence.

We need to join forces with teachers and demand very specific changes. We need to let the government know that they will not get away with promoting policies that hinder the learning environment of our children and then blame dedicated teachers when those ridiculous policies fail. We, unlike politicians cannot afford to remain silent. We must rock the boat.

We must engage and commit to our children's education as if their very lives depended on it, because it may well be true. We can start small. A ripple that gathers momentum is all we need. Here are my suggestions:

1. Start where you are. If you are pregnant, educate yourself about your child's development. Start reading aloud to your baby. If your child is older, find out how he's doing, physically, cognitively, emotionally. Don't panic if your child is lagging in any one area. There are differences in the rates of development, but knowing where your child is will help you engage him and thrive. Make sure you are establishing good habits in your child. Healthy foods, well baby visits, fresh air. These things give your child every advantage in growing up happy and healthy.

2. Get yourself ready for school. Be an informed parent. What are your child's strengths and weaknesses? How have you helped your child in the weak areas? How are you encouraging their gifts/strengths? What help would you like from his teachers? This information should come from you. Don't wait until a teacher points out a problem. Be proactive and engaged. Speak with your child's teacher often. Become antiquated with the school staff. Join the PTA/PTO.

3. Learn to deal kindly and effectively with a difficult teacher. Do not allow yourself to be bullied by teachers, office staff or the principal. You know your child better than anyone else. Take control and be a decision maker. Speak your truth clearly, calmly and with conviction. If there is an on going problem, make sure to document EVERYTHING. Every conversation, meeting, conference should be documented. Be an advocate for your child.

I recall years ago and incident with my oldest son. He had heart surgery when he was eight and as a result of that he needed to take antibiotics before every dental appointment. I made his appointments well in advance because I also schedule one with his pediatrician, so I could get the prescription for the antibiotics. So in July, I called to schedule an appointment for August. Turns out the dentist was going to be on vacation the entire month of August, so we scheduled for mid September. The day of his appointment I dropped my son off at school at 11:00 am. I was met by a very rude and somewhat angry Vice Principal who proceeded to reprimand me for bringing my son late on a TEST DAY! We had the following exchange:

"Mrs. Chacon, are you aware the today is a TEST DAY?"
"I am."
"You have brought your son to school late!"
"I have."
"Now, he'll have to make up his test!"
"He will."

She sputtered and turned around and walked away from me. She never once showed concerned or asked why he was late. Her concern was the testing. Testing, in my book, gauges where the child is at the moment. It may or may not be indicative of any future results on the child's abilities or knowledge of a particular subject. I knew where my son what academically. I knew where he was physically and spiritually. At that moment his health was more important to me that his test scores. Knowing these things gave me the strength to stand my ground.

Knowing where you child is, where you want him to go, knowing what his strengths and weakness are will help you stand strong in your convictions and will help you be an advocate for your child. Once we start to speak out. Once we start pointing out what our children need, the changes will happen. They are starting to happen with school lunches. Next on the agenda, class sizes. Send a message to congress and the Secretary of Education that class sizes do matter. Complain clearly and loudly at PTA meeting, to school boards, to local governments, to the media, to the state government and to the federal government.

Keep in mind, that no one gave women the right to vote. Women had to demand it at a great sacrifice. One hundred years after the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation, people had to protest loudly and with great peril to demand protection of their civil rights. The difficult tasks are never voluntarily solved by government, they are solved by the concerned citizens who sometimes sacrifice life and limb to insure a better life for future generations. That is what our children are demanding of us. Let the great Parent Reform begin.

Government Reform

Government does not trust parents to raise their children. Anyone in government would argue that this is not true, but I see it everywhere. It's not just government, it's teachers, business, therapists etc. We have a culture of professionals that know more, know better, know the answers and we the parents are left a bit flummoxed as to how to raise our kids. Government tries it's darnest to help, to close the gap between the have's and the have nots, but they fail to see many things. First, how are the have's and have nots defined? Is it strictly socioeconomic or are there other conditions factored in? WARNING: I'm about to get very honest and not at all politically correct. The government tries to help but in essence creates some unintended consequences. One of the first problems created by this atmosphere of professionals and government programs is that it undermines parents and families. I have spoken with several young unwed mothers who have very honestly told me that they live with their child's father but that there are no plans to get married because the government gives unwed mothers so much help in the form of money, free programs etc., that it doesn't financially behoove them to get married. Granted a few mother's is not a scientific study, but I bet I'm not too far off the mark in saying that government programs are hindering the creation of families and not aiding them. In trying to help young mother's get a head start the government programs are actually keeping them in poverty, both financially and spiritually, because it's hindering their pursuit of a better life. The life the government provides is "good enough", certainly too good to try a something different.

So government involvement in schools is no different. Government officials try, they try so hard to close the gap between the rich and the poor. They try to create programs that "will leave no child behind", yet instead of raising the bar across the board the programs have widen the gap and in the worst case scenarios they have lower the performance across the board. After a decade of NCLB, we still have failing schools, we still have children who do not meet standards, we have disgruntled (and rightly so) teachers and we have frustrated parents.

Government claims to have the child's best interest in mind. I don't believe it. I think even the best intentioned politician ultimately has his/her career front and center. They will try to do right by the children, but only so long as it doesn't hurt their career. They talk themselves into believing that if they lose their seat, they won't be able to help out during the next term. They remain silent because they want their voice to be heard. Unions claim to have the best interest of children in mind, and perhaps they come a little closer to the mark. They after all are the voice of the dedicated teachers that struggle to teach the lowliest among us. However, the teachers are not our children. When unions rail against change, any change because it could hindered the teacher's employment or benefits no matter how worthy the cause, it is still not a concern for our children. Teacher's themselves are stuck between a rock and a hard place. They are in the front line dealing with the children they serve, the obnoxious parents, the overbearing administration. They are in constant flux year in and year out regarding their employment, all the while concerned with the livelihood of their own families. Really it's so much that any true concern for the children is trumped by all the other things going on.

Which brings me to the parent. We are the only ones who can truly have our own children's best interest in mind, but the government can't trust us. I can't say that I can really blame them. I too often see why they feel a need to step in. I have often tried to step in myself and "help" a parent who I think is struggling. My eagerness to help is rarely met with enthusiasm or gratitude. Usually my help is met with resistance, indignation and hostility. I however, unlike the government am not offering money or free programs, so my help is usually rejected. So what is a government to do when dealing with such vast difference in attitudes, socioeconomic levels, religious differences, cultural differences etc? Well I think they can fearlessly open the gates of choice. I know that this is quite controversial. Charter schools, vouchers, online learning, private schools, public schools, special programs, continuation school, evening classes, why not just offer it all up as the ultimate sacrifice on the altar of our children. Really give parents a choice and a voice on how their children will be educated. Give parents back the responsibility of raising their kids. What will happen to schools and teachers if the flood gates of education are opened wide? You know, my concern is MY children and THEIR future. I'm sure that well educated teachers will figure it out, isn't that ultimately when a good education is useful?

Stay tuned for the next post: Parent Reform

My Child Can't Read or Write!

There is such a push for young children to excel academically. Of course there is nothing intrinsically wrong with wanting your child to do well, but what happens when the expectations become skewed and we start expecting more and more from younger and younger children?

The biggest push seems to be in the area of reading and writing. My four year old can write his name! A lot of parents use this line to introduce me to their child. "Oh wonderful," I say, "Now we are going to make sure that those little muscles in your little hands grow nice and strong so you can write for rest of your life!" We make those muscles strong by making sure the child has access to lots of play dough, we sew to build those fine motor skills, we knead bread for large muscle development, we color pictures big and small. Each activity helps to develop and strengthen a set a muscles that the child will need to write. As for any building project you must lay the foundation before erecting the building or your building will eventually crumble.

I also encounter wonderful parents with concerns that their 5 year old is not yet reading. There are several important things to keep in mind that are very important and will lead children to a love of reading. Isn't this the basis for reading to really gain a love of the written word?

1. Make sure that your child sees you reading. This is even more important than reading to your child! A study that was published in The Times about 8 years ago determined that children who had parents who read and who had books and reading materials at home were better readers than those who's parents rarely picked up a book. I would agree that there may be other factors involved that were not taken into consideration such as parents who read are more likely to read to their children, but what this study really brings home is that children model their parents behavior. We are our children's first and most important teacher.

2. Read to your child. It's never too early to start. Read to your child before he is born. Tell him stories, sing songs, play pat-a-cake, all these things help make neurological connections that will lead to your child's reading success.

3. Go on a sign hunt. Children as young as two or three will recognize symbols even before they learn to decipher written language. This is an important pre-reading skill. My nephew was very young and his dad worked for the corporate offices for Ralphs grocery store. As we drove by a Ford dealer my nephew pointed to the sign and said, "Daddy work!" I was a bit confused because his dad worked for Ralphs not Ford. Then I realized that both logos were ovals and the fonts used in the words were similar. He actually made such an exciting pre-reading leap! He was noticing similarities, later he would go on to notice differences such as color and letters.

4. Teach your child the letter sounds. This is more important than knowing the letter names! So often I hear that very young children know their ABC's. Usually these kids know the song, but don't recognize the letters. Knowing the song is fun, knowing the letter sounds is awesome! Ah-ah-apple, Bb- Bb-Ball. Kk-Kk-Cat and Dd-Dd-Doll, Eh-eh-egg, Ff-Ff-Fan, Gg-Gg-Goat and Hh-Hh-Hand...

5. Relax. Know sit back and relax a bit. Some children learn to read early, some children learn to read later. Unless there is a problem such as dyslexia, your child will need you to lay the foundation and be encouraging, that's it. You need to trust that they have the skills they need to read. I know schools put a huge emphasis on learning to read by a certain age or your child will FALL BEHIND! I don't agree. Some kids don't learn to read until age 8 and within a few months are reading at or beyond their grade level.

6. Be attentive. I know this seems like the opposite of relax, but it isn't. What I'm asking here is for you to be attentive to your instincts. If your gut feeling is telling you there is a problem, then the sooner you address it the better it will be for your child. However, four years is early to be concerning yourself with the fact that your child cannot read, again unless you know of some physical or psychological reason to be concerned.

7. Trust. Doing all of the above sets the foundation, now trust that your child will learn. I know I already mentioned it, but it's so important I want to remind to trust the process.

There are lots of early intervention programs and while they made have their place, most kids just need exposure and time and they will learn to read on their own. Keep in mind that experts like to make early predictions on a child's future success based on early performance indicators. I find this ludicrous and insulting. I know of many successful adults who learned to read later in life. For long list, check here. Now have fun and go relax with a good book.

Technology and the Child

Sometimes there is just so much information that it's hard to make heads or tails of it. Which brings me to a debate we've been having at a national level. Technology and the evils it brings to the minds of children. Trust me I've read all the debates. While I don't hold degrees in psychology or physiology, I am a mother of four, and by goodness that makes me an expert! So here is my take on the issue.

Television and video games are not intrinsically evil. I will note that there is very little quality programing for children on television. You as the parent should choose wisely what your child watches. Children watching television should be the exception, not the rule, simply because there are so many other things that children could be and should be doing. They could be like playing outside, which will build them up physically. It will build their self-esteem and will contribute to building social connections. They could be playing an instrument or learning how to play one. They could be learning to sew or cook or bake. All of these are wonderful contributions that can be made to society once they are adults. Life is so much richer, exciting and varied than anything that can be offered by sitting passively watching television. So why even offer it as an option? Well, sometimes there are programs worth watching. Sometimes you may want to watch something that they would enjoy too. So, if your child watches an hour or two of television a week I would argue that no long term harm will be done.

Video games are another hot topic issue and again as a parent you should have and use your discretion. Video games can be quite violent and most are not appropriate for young children. The truth of the matter is that the future has arrived and like driving a car or anything else we take for granted, computers and their programs will be second nature for our children. Video games like Zelda, take kids on a journey where they have to solve problems to get to another level. Think of them like computerized chess games. As long as they are age appropriate and limited, I think video games are fine.

If I had to give parents tips it would be to parent your child when it comes to television and video games. Use television and video games to teach your child something worthwhile. For instance, when friends are over, the video games and t.v. are turned off because that face to face interaction with a friend is so much more rewarding than playing video games or watching t.v. People, school and chores come before any electronic devices can be turned on. If you notice a change in your child's attitude after he has played video games or watched television, simply stop the use of them.

So often I hear parents complain about how much their kids play video games or watch television, only to find out that they have a console or a t.v. in their room! Get it out of there. Under no circumstances is it appropriate for young children to be playing video games or watching t.v. alone in his room. This is not something they should be regulating. Remember that you pass along values by the things you do and by the things you allow your child to do. Video Games and television are forms of entertainment. Do you believe that it's healthy for your child to be entertained 24/7? Do you want your child to grow up to be healthy, well-adjusted and a contributing member of society? Well then, there you have it. Limit and supervise the use of television and video games for young kids. It's not a scientific analysis, but it makes sense.

Stop, Listen and Acknowledge

What is a broken toy compared to your car breaking down the morning of your big interview? What is a scraped knee compared to a loved one fighting cancer? What is the big deal of not taking your child to have ice cream as promised compared to having a credit line you were counting on revoked? We work, while our children play. We know a real heartbreak feels differently than a scraped knee...or does it? Have you ever felt guilty because you were sad over something that seemed trivial compared to the suffering of others? Did it make you feel any less sad?

It's almost easy for us to dismiss our children's fears, their concern or their sadness. Rather than dismiss these, I would urge you (and many times, myself) to stop, listen and acknowledge. When we stop and listen, we are giving the child his place in the world. We are telling them that they are worthy of our time and our attention. When we acknowledge the child's concern we are simply telling letting them know that we hear them. We don't have to agree or solve what's going on, sometimes we can't solve it. We are simply letting them know that their concern has been noted.

Learning takes place at every moment of life. There are things that no matter how school boards try to include them in the curriculum, they cannot be taught in isolation. Self-esteem is not a one semester course, inclusion cannot be isolated to a class, respect for others grows from feelings that can only be self-regulated, not teacher directed. Think of all a child learns when we simply stop, listen and acknowledge. They are learning the they are important and worthy. They model our behavior towards others. They develop a deep reverence for people's opinions and feelings even if they don't agree with them.

I've often said that the most important life lessons rarely take place in the classroom. They take place while living our lives. When we teach by example, the lessons tend to stick.

Choose Wisely

Two must haves for me when I started to home school were a book of Grimm's Fairy Tales and one of Aesop's Fables. Einstein said that if you wanted you kids to be smart, to read them fairy tales. Who am I to argue with Einstein? The problem came one day when I perused the book and found to my great horror that these fairy tales were quite grim indeed. (That pun was corny and totally intended.) Turns out the step-sisters in Cinderella cut off their heels and toes!

"...but the mother, reaching a knife, said, 'Cut off your toe, for if you are queen you need not go any longer on foot.' The the maiden cut it off, and squeezed her foot into the shoe, and, concealing the pain she felt, went down to the Prince."

These are definitely not Disney. How could we read such horrid tales to our children? In fact, fairy tales should not be read to very young children, unless you leave out the more graphic parts. This is best done, by not reading and just telling them the stories. As children get older, however, fairy tales become a wonderful way to teach all sorts of virtues and point out the consequences of vices. Fairy Tales are filled with noble, loyal and loving characters. They can teach children to be brave as they face fear, to be loyal even when it would materially behoove them to be disloyal. It teaches them to be truthful and kind. It also teaches them that evil exists. That they are consequences to one's soul if you stray from a noble path.

Children need to process these truths slowly and within a realm that they can understand. Fairy Tales are perfect for this. When you tell a story or read to a child, the child will process what he can, as opposed to a movie (especially on a big screen) where they are bombarded with imagery that can be scary, even if it's not to us adults. I remember taking my daughter to see Ratatouille. She was about four years old. There is a scene where the rats are going down a sewer pipe. The visual is fantastic from an adult perspective. The water is tumbling rapidly, you see the rat go under, you see him tumbling in the water, he briefly comes up for air and then gets dragged down again by the current. I was enjoying it tremendously when I felt a tug on my arm and I looked over at my girl. She was horrified. She had tears streaming down her cheeks and had a tight hold on my arm. Young children have no filters. She had no way to processes what she was seeing, but she could feel it with every bit of her body. What a wake up call for me.

Now at age seven, we read fairy tales and I've even started reading some of the gruesome parts, but we still don't watch very many movies.