A Coffee Gangster and A Child Change My World

I remember the day clearly. My son was 18 months old and picking through the toys in the toy box we kept in the living room. My daughter was just a few weeks old and I sat on the couch nursing her. I was watching General Hospital because I was bored. The boredom that a stay-at-home mother feels on occasion should not be underestimated. I loved my kids more than I can possibly explain, but day after day of rhymes, fingerplays and working on easy puzzles can grow old quick! Even though General Hospital wasn't really taking away the boredom, at least the adults on the screen were speaking in full sentence and that was definitely something!

The scene was with Sonny Corinthos and he, being the coffee gangster that he was, was holding a gun to someone's head. Truly cheesier scripts have never been written and I was actually smiling at the absurdity of the whole premise. Then I glanced over at my boy. He was holding a toy, but his attention was on the screen. He was engrossed. I was amused. Then I looked at the screen and I did something I started doing simply to stave off the boredom, I tried to view things from his perspective, using the little knowledge I assumed he had. It struck me like a lightening bolt!

Here is this little guy, not yet two. He's learned so much but still had so much to learn. He could not yet know what was real and what was make believe. He did not yet understand the nuances of our language. This child (as are all children) was literal. What he was watching was a very unpleasant scene where a man was threatening someone with a gun and he was soaking it all up like a sponge. Is this one of the first scenes I wanted my child to witness? If it was real would I try to shield it from him? The answers came flooding in. If this was really happening I would be horrified that my son was a witness to it, yet to him IT WAS really happening and HE WAS witnessing it!

Needless to say that was the end of my General Hospital viewing. I developed a distaste for it so great that to this day I can't watch it. That wasn't the only thing that changed that day. Viewing the world the way my kids see it has been fascinating. It's been a blessing and sometimes a curse. I see wonder and beauty and sometimes I see hatred and sadness. I see potential in the simplest things and I see horror in the actions of men. To say that my children have opened my eyes is an understatement.

So I challenge you to take a moment, this moment to look at your child and try to see the world from their perspective, their view with their experience. What do you see? Do you see the gum stuck to the underside of a park bench? Do you see how high the top of that slide is? Do you see the concern in their frown when they watch yet another murder on T.V.? Do you see the wonder when they find a mushroom and learn it's name?

Will viewing the world through your child's eyes change the way you see things? Will it change the things you do or say? Can you put yourself in that place? I want to hear from you.

I'm a Sponge

Hey, psst, I'm talking to you. Did you know that your child is listening, that your child is watching and what's even worse they are soaking up everything around them. You may think that your children are too young to understand what's on the t.v. screen. You may think that because they can't speak they can't understand profanity. I've got to tell you that you are mistaken. Children are like sponges. What's more they have not yet developed any filters, so they can't get rid of the bad stuff they've been exposed to. Think about that for a few days. Let it really sink in.

Everything you expose your child to, he will absorb like a sponge and it will become a part of him.

This is not a new concept. Back in the 1800's, Walt Whitman wrote a beautiful poem:

THERE was a child went forth every day;
And the first object he look’d upon, that object he became;
And that object became part of him for the day, or a certain part of the day, or for many years, or stretching cycles of years.

He goes on to speak about lilacs, morning glories and young lambs, but he also speaks of the town drunkard and the parents and the teacher. Everything the child sees becomes a part of him. Let's assume for a minute that this is true, which I wholeheartedly believe it is, would that change how you do things or the things you do with your child?

You're Doing Fine

Parenting is not a job for wimps. Before I had children, I was a strong confident woman that could answer any question. In fact, shortly after my husband and I met, we spent one of our dates sitting around his kitchen table asking each other questions out of The Little Book Of Questions. I answered every question without hesitation. He took more time and sometimes said he just didn't know what he'd do...he was already a father. Things that seem simple and black and white take on new gravity when you become a parent. Add to it, all the advice of experts and you really start to second guess yourself. You may mention that you co-sleep to a dear friend and she'll warn you about the danger of smothering your child. You may say you rather sleep in your own bed and you'll be lectured on the benefits of attachment parenting.

The truth of the matter is that you a doing fine. In fact, the more simply you live your life, the better you are probably doing. Do you let your kids have plenty of opportunities for unstructured play? Great! Do you balance it out with maybe one extra-curricular activity (if they are six or older) during the week? Great! Do you enjoy your kids and feel relaxed when you are around them? Great! Do you read to them...even if they are school-aged? Awesome!
You are doing great!

What if you feel you are not doing great? You may feel that you are not doing enough. The problems begin when you start to worry. Does you infant seem distracted when you put flashcards in front of him? Put the flashcards away and engage him in a game of peek-a-boo. Is your child so over scheduled that he often sleeps in the car or bus while traveling to an activity? Stop the activity. Is your child obsessed with video games? Get rid of them! If you are worried about how your child is measuring up, stop, take a deep breath and read on...

I'm talking here about worry in general. There is a difference between that and a genuine concern in particular. If you have a genuine concern, seek out professional help and educate yourself as fully as possible with whatever it is that concerns you. If you have a general worry that your child "doesn't have an edge," or "he's not on par with his peers," or "he's never going to succeed at this rate," then the problem doesn't lie with your child, it lies with you. If you are cranky and running yourself ragged so your 4 year old can take music and karate, in addition to preschool. Stop!

I'm about to make a radical suggestion. If the above sounds like you, take a one month break! For the period of one month cease all or as many activities as you can. If you are working and your child must go to daycare, then just do that for one month. I'm talking about no t.v., no video games, no extra-curricular activities. Nothing but time with your child. For the first week, you are both going to be a little stir crazy. Your child will want to be entertained. You will feel that this is more difficult than running around. This is the time to establish a rhythm, if you haven't already done so. Be strict about your child's bedtime routine.

Now at the end of the month you may notice some changes in both you and your child. Your child's creativity will flourish. His ability to entertain himself will have increased. You will realize that play dough is not as messy as you imagined. You will learn that cleaning up watercolor spills are easier than running all over town with a tired child in tow. You will both be more relaxed and there will be more laughter and fun in your home. In raising your children always keep in mind this quote from Henry David Thoreau:

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”

Blessings,

Alida

Feel The Love

Happy Valentine's Day! We are all a buzz here because after Christmas, Valentine's Day is the kids absolute favorite day of the year. Kids have such an innate sense of love. I'm blessed that I get to work with kids and see it all the time. Kids love, love, love to help. They love to feel useful. They are very often kind and sympathetic. Last week I decided to jot down what the kids said whenever I witnessed an act of love or kindness. Here is only part of the list:

1. "Let me help you turn on the water, the faucet sticks."
2. "Oh my gosh, you are doing so well on that puzzle!"
3. "Oh no, are you okay?"
4. "I'm so sorry! I was running so fast I couldn't stop."
5. "Let me help you carry that basket of blocks, it's really heavy?"
6. "Thanks Mrs. Alida, you're the best!"
7. "Surprise! The table is all set for lunch!"
8. "I'm making a card for my brother, because he's been sick."
9. "Maybe we could all put our money together and then buy a toy we can all share."
10. "Hurry let all clean up so we can play outside."
11. "Oh thank you for the extra napkin."
12. "Mrs. Alida, did you see how well "D" is writing his letter L?"
13. "Good job!"
14. "Yay, we did a great job on these muffins!"

This is a snippet of the conversations the kids had. Yes, there were moments of frustration and even anger, but for the most part, the kids rally behind each other, encourage each other, root for each other. The anger and frustration doesn't last long and in most cases they work it out without very much intervention from me.

While I do believe that kids tend to be loving and thoughtful, I also purposefully create an atmosphere where love is at the center of most things we do. In the morning there is always classical music playing when the children arrive. In fact, throughout a good potion of the day, music is playing. At lunch we always say a prayer, eat family style and quite often we eat by candlelight. All this sets the tone for reverence and appreciation of the many blessing we enjoy. Where there is true appreciation, love abounds.

I think I may make a habit of jotting down all the wonderful things that are said throughout the day. It really keeps me aware of how wonderful children are and how grateful I am to share my day with them.

Quality vs Quantity

What exactly is quality time? Twenty years ago when I started out in child care "quality time" were the buzz words in the industry. We told parents that as long as they spent "quality time" with their kids, everything would be okay. Better to spend a half hour completely focused then all day taking care of other things while your child tagged along virtually ignored. I bought it! I actually believed it was true. I don't believe it anymore. Let me explain.

Quality time is certainly very important especially if you are a working parent. This much is true. However quantity is also very important. Even when we are not completely focused on our children, they are learning from us and this can be a very good thing. Parents understand the importance of getting things like the dishes or laundry done and let's be honest, sitting for hours on the floor with your toddler can get very boring. No need to feel guilty if you are not entirely engaged 100% of the time. As we go about our day, our children are learning and emulating us. If you are doing dishes, give your little ones the Tupperware in a bin and let them wipe them down. Water is completely optional. If you are baking, give you child a small piece of dough and let them knead along with you. You need not be "engaged," you don't even need to talk, just being together teaches your child about life. He learns to entertain himself, he learns what it takes to run a home. He learns that mom or dad have responsibilities beyond them. (although, honestly that last one doesn't really kick in until he is way, way older.)

Yes, you should spend time focused on your child, give them your attention, your smiles, hugs and kisses. You should sit with them at meal times and teach them that there is reverence in nourishment. These things are all important. Quantity of time is important for your child to learn what his family values. He will learn what is important, what needs to get done. Years ago my then 5 year old followed me into the bathroom and as I got down on my knees to scrub the tub he said, "You actually have to clean the bath tub?" It made me laugh, but that is how they learn, but watching us and modeling what we do. So today when people tell me that they spend a lot of "quality" time with their kids, I congratulate them. I remind however that quantity is also important.

Ready or Not, Here I Come

Years ago I wrote in my personal blog a post with this same title. It was about my daughter, who was born 10 days sooner than expected. When she was a bit older would stand at her crib and shake the bars and say, "I'm ready mom!", whenever she wanted me to take her out. Some times that was before I was awake or ready myself. She was in her crib because technically she was still a baby, not quite two, and yes, she spoke in clear complete (albeit short) sentences. She didn't so much speak as EXCLAIM! Everything that child uttered had TO BE WRITTEN LIKE THIS! She was and is still a force to be reckoned with. This same child did not walk until she was 18 months old. She has just grasped a hold of reading, she's 7 1/2 years old. She has to yet conquer a bike without training wheels. She sometimes still wets the bed.

All this to say, my child is pretty much like all other children. She's ready when she's ready. Sure, I can help her. I've spent countless (COUNTLESS) hours reading to her. I've taken her and her bike to the park every dry day we've had. Her dad still wakes her and takes her to the bathroom before before he heads to bed. We do this in an effort to support and train her in habits that we hope (actually we know) will stick with her. The issue is that with all our help and support, she'll be ready when she ready. What we do won't necessarily make her do these things sooner, it will hopefully just get her doing them when she's ready. So if you are banging your head against the wall because you've been potty training forever, relax. It'll click...eventually, when you're child is ready.

Did I mention that my girl potty trained herself at 18 months? Did I mention that after a few weeks of no accidents she announced she was done with potty training and proceed to have "accidents" to the point that for my sanity I put a diaper back on her, something I was vehemently criticized for. At about 2 1/2 years she was thankfully once again done with diapers, this time for good. (Except the night thing)

So if you are feeding your child a healthy, balanced diet, if your child is getting fresh air and a balance of active and quiet times, if your child is getting 10 to 12 hours of sleep, if you read to your child, engage him, love him, then your child is ready. He is ready for anything that comes his way and he will demonstrate his readiness when he's good and ready!

September - We Begin Again

I love September. I feel like it's a new year all over again. As much as I love the leisure, warm days of summer, I love the crisp mornings of September, the familiar routines, the looking inward after spending all of summer outside.

Come Tuesday we have so many wonderful things going on. Preschool enrollment is closed. We have two openings available for the after school enrichment program. I'm spending the weekend redoing the classrooms. The summer themes, sea shells, sand, fish etc, will be replaced with shades of Autumn, pumpkins, gourds, apples, orange, red and yellow leaves.

As always, our September theme for preschool is friendship and the changing of the season. For school age, because we have third and fourth graders and because it was such fun during summer, we will be going back in time in September. This time the emphasis will be Oregon history specifically, but we will be doing things the pioneers did including making raised beds and getting them ready for our spring plantings.

Our books this September will include:

For Preschool

Wild Child One of my very favorite

Red Leaf, Yellow Leaf

Friends

Help, A Story of Friendship

For School Age

The Courage of Sarah Noble

On to Oregon

Wishing all of you a safe and fun filled Labor day weekend. See you next week!

Alida

Technology and the Child

Sometimes there is just so much information that it's hard to make heads or tails of it. Which brings me to a debate we've been having at a national level. Technology and the evils it brings to the minds of children. Trust me I've read all the debates. While I don't hold degrees in psychology or physiology, I am a mother of four, and by goodness that makes me an expert! So here is my take on the issue.

Television and video games are not intrinsically evil. I will note that there is very little quality programing for children on television. You as the parent should choose wisely what your child watches. Children watching television should be the exception, not the rule, simply because there are so many other things that children could be and should be doing. They could be like playing outside, which will build them up physically. It will build their self-esteem and will contribute to building social connections. They could be playing an instrument or learning how to play one. They could be learning to sew or cook or bake. All of these are wonderful contributions that can be made to society once they are adults. Life is so much richer, exciting and varied than anything that can be offered by sitting passively watching television. So why even offer it as an option? Well, sometimes there are programs worth watching. Sometimes you may want to watch something that they would enjoy too. So, if your child watches an hour or two of television a week I would argue that no long term harm will be done.

Video games are another hot topic issue and again as a parent you should have and use your discretion. Video games can be quite violent and most are not appropriate for young children. The truth of the matter is that the future has arrived and like driving a car or anything else we take for granted, computers and their programs will be second nature for our children. Video games like Zelda, take kids on a journey where they have to solve problems to get to another level. Think of them like computerized chess games. As long as they are age appropriate and limited, I think video games are fine.

If I had to give parents tips it would be to parent your child when it comes to television and video games. Use television and video games to teach your child something worthwhile. For instance, when friends are over, the video games and t.v. are turned off because that face to face interaction with a friend is so much more rewarding than playing video games or watching t.v. People, school and chores come before any electronic devices can be turned on. If you notice a change in your child's attitude after he has played video games or watched television, simply stop the use of them.

So often I hear parents complain about how much their kids play video games or watch television, only to find out that they have a console or a t.v. in their room! Get it out of there. Under no circumstances is it appropriate for young children to be playing video games or watching t.v. alone in his room. This is not something they should be regulating. Remember that you pass along values by the things you do and by the things you allow your child to do. Video Games and television are forms of entertainment. Do you believe that it's healthy for your child to be entertained 24/7? Do you want your child to grow up to be healthy, well-adjusted and a contributing member of society? Well then, there you have it. Limit and supervise the use of television and video games for young kids. It's not a scientific analysis, but it makes sense.

Mother West Wind

You know when you find something you just think is awesome and you just have to shout it from the mountaintops? I've found something and since I live in a valley with only the sight of Mt. Hood, blogging about it will have to do. So a little bit about this week. It was AWESOME! The theme was Water World and finally the temperature cooperated and we actually were able to have some water fun. We also learned a great deal about the water cycle, about how essential water is to all living things (including our chickens) and about the many animals that live in water.

The weather was so nice today that we literally spent the entire day outside. We did our art projects outside, we had a picnic lunch and instead of rest time on a mat indoors, we stretched out on a blanket with the warm sun on our backs and the cool breeze in our hair, and I read to the kids. We had finished The Secret Garden yesterday and I don't like to start chapter books on Friday, so I grabbed my trusty Kindle and started reading, Why Peter Rabbit Cannot Fold His Hands. It's a wonderful story from a collection in Mother West Wind's Why Stories by Thornton W. Burgess.

"Instead of hurrying home and getting to work himself, Mr. Rabbit stopped a while after each call and sat with his arms folded, watching the one he was calling on work. Mr. Rabbit was very fond of sitting with folded arms."

Each story begins with a question. The forest critters then go to Mr. Frog to get answers. Mr. Frog is quite old and knows a great many things. Each story has moral. I love that these stories are not like modern books that try to teach morals, books with titles like; No Hitting or Why We Shouldn't Tell Lies. Those books don't engage children they just preach to them. Children need something to think about, something to ponder. Mother West Wind's Why Stories are perfect character building stories. These stories are so wonderful that I would pay a pretty penny for them, but fortunately they are free through the Gutenberg Project. Check them out and let me know what you think.

Enjoy,

Alida

Fairy Tales

This week we are focusing on fairy tales. The first one we read was Goldilocks and the Three Bears. It's one of my favorites! There is repetition and somehow the bears are not scary like the wolf in Red Riding Hood. In fact, in the one I read it states that the bears are polite and very well mannered. I love any book that gives me a chance to talk about manners. After reading the story each child drew and colored a picture of a bear. In the afternoon the kids put on a play! We used our housekeeping and reading corner furniture for props and used the napping mats for the beds. One girl was Goldilocks, one child was papa bear. He carried a stuffed teddy baby that was baby bear. One child was mama bear and the rest were the audience. What fun. It was a good way for me to see how much of the story they remembered and understood. Later in the afternoon, they organized and put on their own play. They made some changes as some of the kids had gone home, but all in all it was a wonderful production.

Grace

I was speaking to a young lady about all the wonderful things that are going on at Ivy League-West this summer. She was very excited and told me how her sister was majoring in child development. She went on to tell me how much she's learned from her sister and how now she sees parents at the grocery store and just wants to walk up to them and tell them how wrong what they are doing is.

I smiled. I remembered being 18 and working at a preschool with women in their 60's who still, to my dismay, referred to themselves as baby-sitters. At staff meetings I raised my hands eagerly with bright eyes to share all the things I had learned that they could not possibly know. Did I mention they were in their 60's? I blushed. I remembered being 21 and doling out parenting advice like it was going out of style to parents who had not requested it. I sighed. I remembered seeing, perhaps the very parents she's referring to and feeling like handing them my business card and telling them that parenting doesn't have to be so darn difficult.

I looked at this young girl and confronted what I do every day. How can I correct her misconception without stifling her enthusiasm. This is what I told her;

"Well yes, I've been there too. I see parents struggling at best, being completely inappropriate at worst and I too sometimes want to speak up, but then I remind myself that I'm looking through a very tiny window in what is a small part of the day and I don't know what this day has been like for that parent. They could have just received some terrible news or they could be dealing with an illness or they could be doing what's best at that moment for their child who may have a need that I am not aware of. There have been moments where, even with all my training and knowledge, I've snapped at my kids in public. These are moment where I am not at my best. They don't happen often, but if you happened to see me at that moment, you would judge that I was not a good mother, and I am a good mother."

She asked me if I had ever said anything to a parent.

"Yes, actually. If the parent is being inappropriate when they come to pick up their child, I will go over our policies with them and make an appointment to assess if they should continue to bring thier child to me. If it happens while I'm out and about and I don't know the parent, I say a prayer for both the parent and child because it is at moments when we are at our worst that we need God's grace the most. Everyone is doing the best they know how and I just remind myself that that's all anyone can do until they learn to do and be better."

Observing

When was the last time you sat in silence with your child and observed nature in action? These moments are few and far between. With the mastery of speech comes an onslaught of verbal observations. Look, mommy look! This is the child's anthem. I have often used the "it's quiet time" just so that I could have a moment to concentrate. Sometimes I use it at the grocery store so that I can have a minute to read a label, or in the car so I can concentrate as a search for a particular address. If not checked, children (and some adults) will start their verbal onslaught upon waking and it will continue throughout the end until lights out at the end of the evening. I once found my son sitting behind the sofa in quiet contemplation and asked him what he was thinking about. I NEVER made that mistake again. It was just so strange that I was actually concerned that something was wrong.

One of my goal for the kids in the program is to balance them out a bit when it comes to verbal chatter and quiet time. We tend to associate verbal fluency with intelligence and there maybe a correlation. However there is a difference between verbal fluency and verbal chatter. I tell the kids all time to use their words like pearls. They should be helpful and beautiful. You can say, Where's the marble? Where's the marble? Where's the marble? over and over again or you can say , help me find the marble. The first only serves to annoy because the marble can't hear you. The latter illicits help and it will help solve the problem of the lost marble.

Quiet moments can be magical. Once long ago my son and I were sitting on the couch sipping hot chocolate and watching the snow fall. Not a word passed between us but we shared so much that day. I strive to have moments like this a least on a weekly basis. This morning I called all the kids to come to the back door. I put my finger to my lips as they each joined me, letting them know to be very quiet. There was a cat prowling outside, stalking our resident blue birds. We watched quietly for a second when one child piped up. "Look at the cat!" I put my hand on his shoulder, smiled and without saying a word I put my finger back up on my lips. No words. It was a gentle reminder. I did this a couple of times with different children. It's hard to keep quiet when something exciting is going on. We managed to observe the cat until he grew tired or bored and he jumped the fence into the neighbors yard. I then had the kids draw a picture of what they observed. It was awesome. Once their pictures where done they each got a chance to share all about the cat and the bird. It was interesting how each one shared something different. The observations were not jaded by someone else's experience and in the end we all got more out of it.

Giving voice to your thoughts can be empowering and healing, but it loses it's value if it's done constantly and without thought. Quiet observation is also quite powerful. I often tell the kids about Jane Goodall. She just sat for years and watched the chimps. Why they ask. I tell them that's how she learned about them. Sometimes I tell them, all your questions can be answered if you quietly observe your surroundings.

Holding the Space

When you are the mother of young children it's very easy to get into the mode where you are just counting the days when your kids can do things on their own. I remember taking my then two year old to the park and being baffled because he wanted to play with me. Seriously? The park was my place to chill out and relax. My goal was to NOT do the baby/child thing. Then I read an article that talked about "holding a space" for children. As children get older they start to do more and more things independently. However it takes a while before they become proficient at it and during that time we adults sometimes need to hold a space for them. Basically this means we have to be physically present even if we are not actively participating. For example, your two or three year old is learning to dress themselves, but they are not at the point where you can walk away and have them do it on their own. You need to be in the room with them while they are dressing. This can be frustrating because a parent may feel like they are wasting time. You are not helping them, in fact, they may adamantly refuse your help with cries of, " I can do it!" You may begin to notice all the other things you can be doing during this time like load the dishwasher, sort the laundry etc.

I urge you to take a deep breath and remember where your priorities lie. Teaching your child life skills ranks among the most important things your child will learn. Holding a space is not a waste of time, it's an important step in the journey your child is making towards independence. You should hold a space whenever your child is mastering a skill. Especially for very young children, showing them once is not enough for them to do it on their own. Think of holding a space as a cheer-leading activity.

To start off you need to show your child what you want done. Remember to be specific. If you just say, "Clean your room" the task becomes overwhelming to a child. Instead ask him to sweep the floor. Show them how to sweep the floor, then let them try. Be patient. Show them again if needed. Stay in the room and offer encouragement and direction. As your child becomes more proficient, offer less direction and encouragement, but stay in the room. The more proficient they become, the less involved you need to be, but you should still be in the room. How long must you hold the space? As long as needed. It will depends on the task, your child's maturity level, his attention span and his physical capabilities.

Some children can do very simple tasks by age four or five. More complicated chores may require your presence until 7 or 8. Keep in mind that even as an adult, it's nice to have someone hold a space for us sometimes. It offers a wonderful sense of support and security.

Alida

The Sound of Silence

I've been reading Rudolf Steiner and Charlotte Mason for the past few days. I find it fascinating that their writing is over 100 years old and yet so much of it, in fact most of it, still applies today. Their pedagogy have many similarities. The most striking for me is the idea of talking to children less or actually explaining less. We parents have been taught that if we want our child to have a rich vocabulary we should talk with them and read to them as often as possible. While I agree with this, I think, as with many things in education, we've gone overboard. Think of the Mozart Effect, so many parents buying Mozart CD's, in the hopes of giving thier child every possible advantage. While, again, this maybe help to wire connections in the brain, it's only a piece of the puzzle.

We are now coming full circle and coming back to basics...it's not that talking is over-rated, but rather that silence is under-rated. How often throughout your day do you have moments of silence? Is their constant chatter going on in your life and/or mind. Are you constantly verbalizing every thought that crosses your mind? How is this affecting your child?

So, where do we begin? How do we choose what we share with our children and what we keep silent about? I read a blog post sometime ago at The Parenting Passageway where she states that "words should be used like pearls." Like everything else, your words should be a conscious manifestation of your thoughts. They should be kind and used for the improvement of your surroundings. Wow! What would happen if we all used our words in this manner? This is pretty powerful stuff!

I'm not suggesting you stop talking with your child. What I am suggesting is that you give thought to your words before they leave your lips. For instance, it's fine to engage your baby while changing their diaper, or during mealtimes. Often times, I found myself talking to my baby simply because there was no one else in the house to talk to! Those moments need to be tempered with moments of silence, like during nursing. I've never met a mother who speaks to her baby during nursing. I don't know if it's instinct kicking in, or just the sheer awe of the moment that keeps us quiet. As your child grow older, he learns to speak by listening to you and those around him. Wawa becomes water. Baba become bottle. As they grow older still your child becomes a chatterbox. This is his job....but it is no longer yours.

As your child's vocabulary becomes richer, you need to make sure your are not tuning him out with constant chatter or explanation about everything under the sun. Children learn and come to knowledge through their experiences, not through yours. It's fine to offer simply explanations when asked, but it's most important to remain silent and let the child observe. They are soaking up the knowledge of life and the world around them, whether it's a bird looking for twigs to build a nest or listening to the sounds coming from the MP3 player, they are observing and absorbing everything around them. Do not rush your young children, learning is a process.

Few words are essential when you are disciplining your child regardless of age. This has been a difficult lesson for me, especially during the teenage and early adult years of my two oldest. The sound of my voice dishing out advice, how to's and reprimands seemed to be my favorite sound in the world. (Sorry, S and J) What I've learned is the less I say, the more they listen. I make it easier for them to not have to sift through all the chatter and get to the essence of my message. I give it to them straight and forward. When my younger ones feel the need to negotiate something that is not negotiable, I simply state that this is not negotiable and go on about my day, singing to myself and ignoring any further requests. Oh, but ignoring a child is just cruel! I'm not ignoring the child. I am simply ignoring a question that I have already answered. I'm teaching my child that you do not need to engage in a power struggle. I'm teaching him that time and words are precious and I don't want to waste them. Again, the child will learn this through observation. We teach as much by what we leave out as by what we share.

This has been a learning process not just for me, but for those around me. Often lately, my husband will ask me if everything is okay because I'm so quiet. I have noticed to that he is speaking less also, but when we do share our thoughts, they are heartfelt and interesting and we are better listeners now that we don't have that need to fill in the silence. There are many things our children must learn in order to have fulfilling and successful lives. I think that being comfortable in silence is one of the most important.

Happy Mother's Day!

Honoring Boundaries

Are boundaries an issue for you? They have been for me in ways I never imagined. I always thought I was pretty good at putting people in their place, but I was wrong. There are those moments when caught unaware that make me terribly uncomfortable and I don't quite know how to say no. They aren't life or death situations, just moments when I don't want to be rude, so I find myself in uncomfortable situations. I once read a random article about a woman who had been raped. She said, she knew the minute she answered her door that something wasn't right and she should have just slammed the door on the man who was standing before her, but she didn't want to be rude, so she said, "Yes? How can I help you?" That was enough time for the assailant to push his way into her apartment and rape her. The moment I read that, I thought about moments that I had felt uncomfortable and had not spoken out loud and clear. A moment when someone made an unkind remark about someone and I didn't speak out. A moment when I waited patiently for someone to finish their pitch even though I knew from the get go I wasn't interested. Moments of wasted time and energy. Moments of silence for the sake of not being rude or not getting involved. Moments when I wasn't honoring my personal boundaries.

Today I was challenged to honor my son's reaction to his boundaries being crossed. My reaction gave me pause, but luckily because I've been trying to parent mindfully, I was able to redeem myself and honor his decisions. Today a girl kissed my boy. A girl he didn't want to kiss. She told him she was going to kiss him and he said, "DON'T!" He said it loudly and I heard him clearly. She kissed him anyway. He screamed like he was being murdered. Seriously, I've only heard him scream so loudly when he has night terrors.

My gut reactions were the following:

1. My goodness, there are worse things then getting kissed by a girl!
2. He is totally OVER-reacting to this situation.
3. I was a bit embarrassed by the screaming.

Then I stopped the insipid chatter in my head. I asked what happened and in between sobs my son said, "She KISSED ME! Even after I had told her not too! She didn't listen to me! I realized that it may seem silly to me, but he viewed it as a violation and it was. Not to say that this girl violated my son in a sexual way, she kissed him because she likes him and it was an innocent moment. That's not the point. The point is that he stated emphatically that he did not want to be kissed and she didn't honor his request. So I thought about how I would feel if the situation was different. What if it was my teenage daughter coming home in tears because a boy had kissed her even after she had made it clear that she did not want to be kissed? What would I teach my son, if I said, "You need to stop screaming. It's not a big deal." Is that really the message I want to give my boy, my girl? No.

I brought my son inside and hugged him. I told him I was sorry that this girl didn't listen to him. I told him I was proud of him for standing his ground and I told him he should always react loudly when he feels something is not right. Then I brought the little girl in and explained that even if you really, really like someone, it's not okay to go around kissing people if they said they don't want a kiss. I told her it wasn't okay for her to be kissed if she didn't want a kiss and it's not okay for her to kiss someone who doesn't want to be kissed. She apologized to my son and they went off on their merry way to play pirates and all was well.

I however kept thinking about moments when my boundaries had been crossed. I thought about times that perhaps I crossed someones boundaries, but I was never told how uncomfortable this made someone feel and I wondered why we are so dishonest with ourselves. What are we afraid of? I'm glad I stopped myself today before I told my son to stop overracting. I'm glad I'm trying to raise my kids to listen to their inner voice and to speak out if they feel uncomfortable.

What are your biggest boundary issues? How do you handle them? How do you teach your kids about boundaries?

Playing and Learning

There are many things we can teach our kids while playing with them. One thing that we should always keep in mind is that we are meeting the child where he is, so we keep our playing at their level. It's also important to remember that playing for playing sake is appropriate and important. We don't need to turn every moment into a "learning" moment. Let your child lead. Play as long as you are both having fun. That being said, here are some ideas for ways to instill play into your day.

Toddlers and beyond:

Peek a boo...really does this ever get old? (Later it will be called hide and seek, but it's still the same concept.)

Rolling a ball.

Banging on pots and pans. I prefer empty Floger's Coffee Containers.

Shakers. (These are easy to make out of any easy to hold non-breakable container. Just fill 1/3 full with rice. If you have two containers, fill another 1/3 full of beans. They make different sounds.)

Clothespins and cottonballs: Have the child pick up the cottonballs using the clothespins. A simple variation is having them pick up the cottonballs with a large serving spoon. (Do not leave the child unattended with the cotton balls.)

Make a city with all the boxes and containers in the recycling bin! (Still a favorite around here!)

Walk on a log...over a puddle (for extra fun and drama.)

As your children get older:

Card games such as Crazy Eights, Old Maid, Black Jack, Slap the Jack and Concentration.

Concentration Game: (Name all the things you can in one category. Example, colors, mammals, car makers, cities in the U.S., Countries in Europe, Songs by the Beatles etc.)

Jump Rope

Hopscotch

Tic Tac Toe

Bake or Cook with your child.

Teach them to slice and peel safely.

Have your child help with folding laundry, sweeping floors etc.

Have your child sort the laundry by color.

Plant a vegetable garden or a flower garden

Build a city with block or Lego's

Set up a grocery store, a stage, a doctor's office.


Take it outside:

A pick up baseball game

A bike ride

A roll down a grassy hill

Potato or pillowcase races

Build a tepee

Make a fort

Chase butterflies

Get disposable cameras and let them have fun with it.

Make your own Corn Husk or Rag Dolls.

Swing

I could go on and on and on. Everything is play and learning happens...ALL. THE. TIME.

(Making bird feeders)

Spring Equinox

You would hardly know that spring has arrived except for the beauty of the daffodils. Daffodils always manage to cheer me up just in the nick of time. The bright yellow smiling faces of the Daffodils stand in for the much awaited sunshine that's not quite ready to make it appearance. Today we begin our Spring celebration. Somehow children make each season so special. As spring arrives, I realize how much the children have grown and changed. I see what special friendships they've forged and I am reminded daily how exciting learning can be.

For the next two weeks we will be learning about spring and more specifically the weather. I'm hoping for enough dry weather to go out with the kids and dig up our garden. This weekend I'll be picking up seeds for our pizza vegetable garden. I'm picking up tomato, bell pepper, zucchini, onion, and garlic seeds and bulbs. I can't wait and I can feel how excited the kids are.

Today we are working on a play. Each child has a part to play. One is the sun, one is rain, one child is the wind, one is the seeds. Each child works on the props for his or her part. I read the verse and the each child acts out his/her part.

A Seed Needs

I see you are a seed,
Tell me what do you need,
I need some soil to grow,
And then the sun to glow,
Water to make me wet,
Air for my leaves to get,
Space for my roots to spread,
Now I'm a plant.

Iram Khan

Everyone is looking forward to the play, but especially to warmer weather, sunnier days and lots of outdoor activities.

I Don't Pay for Them to Play!

Play to an adult may seem or feel frivolous or irresponsible. It may feel like a major waste of time. As adults we rarely play...even when we do. Many spend hundreds of dollars on gym membership, but surely this is not play, after all who really looks forward to the gym. ("Not I," said Alida) Some adults are even on teams playing baseball or softball or basketball, but surely this is not play! It's exercise, it's blowing off steam, it's staying fit but rarely do we describe it as play. Some adult even "play" video games, but they do it to relax, to disconnect after a hard day at work. This surely cannot be play. It has a purpose, a reason, we engage in these activities because they are good for us. We rarely stop to take note of ALL the benefits of play, especially for the youngest among us.

Sometimes when parents come to see the preschool they tell me about other places that they have visited. I have heard about babysitters that sit in front of the T.V. all day while the kids play all day long. My mind is simple. It thinks, T.V. all day - bad. Children playing all day - good! I've heard parents tell me they want to know what kind of academics are offered, because they are not paying to have their children play all day. My mind thinks, academics - good. Children play all day - good! I can totally understand wanting to reap some very specific benefits from any kind of learning environment, especially if you are paying top dollar. While we do offer an academic program, we do it through play. Play after all is the work of the child.

On Tuesday, March 29, 2011 I am speaking at the Salem Central Library on this very topic. Joining me is Pam Houghton from Mrs. Houghton's Gingersnaps Child Care and Playhouse. We will be discussing the value of play in child development. We will be detailing what exactly your child is learning while he plays. We will be listing what the best toys are and I guarantee you'll be surprised! We will also be leading a workshop where you will be making a toy to take home for your child.

If you are a parent looking for quality care or a child care provider wondering how to explain the importance of play to parents of children in your care, I urge you to join us. I will be revisiting the subject of play many, many times on this blog. For now, I will leave the details of our workshop and I headed off to "play" with the kids.

Ivy League-West and Mrs. Houghton’s Gingersnaps present:

The Value of Play in Children Development

Join Alida Chacon and Pam Houghton as they share their views on the value of play, which toys elicit imaginative play and what ways you can engage your child through play.

Come share your thoughts, questions and ideas. Make a toy to take home for your child to play with the next day.

Salem Central Public Library

585 Liberty St. Salem Oregon

Plaza Room

March 29, 2011

7:15 pm to 8:45 pm

Cost: $5.00 in advance $7.00 at the door

Seating is limited. Call to reserve your seat today.

503.510.1136

The Little School That Could

Do people ever say something to you and it sets off a trigger. Your reaction is perhaps overblown, even as you tell yourself that the remark is completely well intentioned. Friends ask me all the time how my "little" school is going and frankly it drives me nuts. I react the exact same way my children do when I call them "little man" or "little lady." I'm Not LITTLE!

I'll admit the school is not big. It's about 900 to 1000 sq feet. The children are not big, although our oldest is twelve and we've got some great things happening with our after school crowd. Mostly we have young kids, 4 to 8 years old. I'll even admit that I am little, although I prefer the word petite to describe my physical attributes. Standing at a mere 5' 1", I am not a big or tall woman. I doubt however that anyone would describe me as small. I don't do small. I do big! I think big! I plan big! Sometimes I even fail in a great big way.

As adults we sometimes think of children as being incomplete beings. Adults tend to focus on everything the child has to learn. After all, they don't know much. They come into this world with only some very basic survival instincts. I like to think about not how much the child needs to learn but how much he has learned. Most kids are walking upright by age one. That's huge! Think about the coordination, the persistence, the muscle that is needed to get yourself up and learn to put one foot in front of the other. It's mastered by age one. Language is another big feat. Children go from goo-goo to go bye-bye to see you tomorrow in a matter of years. These are great big accomplishments that usually occur naturally with some guidance but little interference from adults.

Of course we know that learning never ends. Even when our physical growth has run the gamut, we continue to learn and grow intellectually and spiritually. It's an ongoing process. Learning is always a big deal. Here at Ivy League-West there is always something big going on, even if it not apparent at first. There is the child that sits with a somewhat vacant expression during story time. I'm not sure if the child is even listening or if he is off in a land of his very own. Then one day as I'm reading a chapter of Charlotte's Web during lunch, he cheers because Charlotte has decided to go to the fair with Wilbur. He excitedly informs me that Wilbur is the pig. I can't help but smile. There is the child that points out that I gave her 1/2 a sandwich and that earlier we put 1/2 cup of milk into the muffin batter. These jumps and connections are learning in a big way. There is the really precocious and bright child that is learning to maneuver the social sphere. She is learning that it is not appropriate to argue with the teacher. She is learning to let other children draw their own conclusions. There are children who have learned how to jump rope. Some have learned to bat a ball, some have learned their colors. Some are learning the alphabet and some are learning to write.

Little things are not what we are about. Ivy League-West is a place where big things happen everyday. So if you see me please feel free to ask me how things are going at school, but please don't call it the "little" school.

Thanks,

Alida