I'm a Sponge

Hey, psst, I'm talking to you. Did you know that your child is listening, that your child is watching and what's even worse they are soaking up everything around them. You may think that your children are too young to understand what's on the t.v. screen. You may think that because they can't speak they can't understand profanity. I've got to tell you that you are mistaken. Children are like sponges. What's more they have not yet developed any filters, so they can't get rid of the bad stuff they've been exposed to. Think about that for a few days. Let it really sink in.

Everything you expose your child to, he will absorb like a sponge and it will become a part of him.

This is not a new concept. Back in the 1800's, Walt Whitman wrote a beautiful poem:

THERE was a child went forth every day;
And the first object he look’d upon, that object he became;
And that object became part of him for the day, or a certain part of the day, or for many years, or stretching cycles of years.

He goes on to speak about lilacs, morning glories and young lambs, but he also speaks of the town drunkard and the parents and the teacher. Everything the child sees becomes a part of him. Let's assume for a minute that this is true, which I wholeheartedly believe it is, would that change how you do things or the things you do with your child?

You're Doing Fine

Parenting is not a job for wimps. Before I had children, I was a strong confident woman that could answer any question. In fact, shortly after my husband and I met, we spent one of our dates sitting around his kitchen table asking each other questions out of The Little Book Of Questions. I answered every question without hesitation. He took more time and sometimes said he just didn't know what he'd do...he was already a father. Things that seem simple and black and white take on new gravity when you become a parent. Add to it, all the advice of experts and you really start to second guess yourself. You may mention that you co-sleep to a dear friend and she'll warn you about the danger of smothering your child. You may say you rather sleep in your own bed and you'll be lectured on the benefits of attachment parenting.

The truth of the matter is that you a doing fine. In fact, the more simply you live your life, the better you are probably doing. Do you let your kids have plenty of opportunities for unstructured play? Great! Do you balance it out with maybe one extra-curricular activity (if they are six or older) during the week? Great! Do you enjoy your kids and feel relaxed when you are around them? Great! Do you read to them...even if they are school-aged? Awesome!
You are doing great!

What if you feel you are not doing great? You may feel that you are not doing enough. The problems begin when you start to worry. Does you infant seem distracted when you put flashcards in front of him? Put the flashcards away and engage him in a game of peek-a-boo. Is your child so over scheduled that he often sleeps in the car or bus while traveling to an activity? Stop the activity. Is your child obsessed with video games? Get rid of them! If you are worried about how your child is measuring up, stop, take a deep breath and read on...

I'm talking here about worry in general. There is a difference between that and a genuine concern in particular. If you have a genuine concern, seek out professional help and educate yourself as fully as possible with whatever it is that concerns you. If you have a general worry that your child "doesn't have an edge," or "he's not on par with his peers," or "he's never going to succeed at this rate," then the problem doesn't lie with your child, it lies with you. If you are cranky and running yourself ragged so your 4 year old can take music and karate, in addition to preschool. Stop!

I'm about to make a radical suggestion. If the above sounds like you, take a one month break! For the period of one month cease all or as many activities as you can. If you are working and your child must go to daycare, then just do that for one month. I'm talking about no t.v., no video games, no extra-curricular activities. Nothing but time with your child. For the first week, you are both going to be a little stir crazy. Your child will want to be entertained. You will feel that this is more difficult than running around. This is the time to establish a rhythm, if you haven't already done so. Be strict about your child's bedtime routine.

Now at the end of the month you may notice some changes in both you and your child. Your child's creativity will flourish. His ability to entertain himself will have increased. You will realize that play dough is not as messy as you imagined. You will learn that cleaning up watercolor spills are easier than running all over town with a tired child in tow. You will both be more relaxed and there will be more laughter and fun in your home. In raising your children always keep in mind this quote from Henry David Thoreau:

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”

Blessings,

Alida

Feel The Love

Happy Valentine's Day! We are all a buzz here because after Christmas, Valentine's Day is the kids absolute favorite day of the year. Kids have such an innate sense of love. I'm blessed that I get to work with kids and see it all the time. Kids love, love, love to help. They love to feel useful. They are very often kind and sympathetic. Last week I decided to jot down what the kids said whenever I witnessed an act of love or kindness. Here is only part of the list:

1. "Let me help you turn on the water, the faucet sticks."
2. "Oh my gosh, you are doing so well on that puzzle!"
3. "Oh no, are you okay?"
4. "I'm so sorry! I was running so fast I couldn't stop."
5. "Let me help you carry that basket of blocks, it's really heavy?"
6. "Thanks Mrs. Alida, you're the best!"
7. "Surprise! The table is all set for lunch!"
8. "I'm making a card for my brother, because he's been sick."
9. "Maybe we could all put our money together and then buy a toy we can all share."
10. "Hurry let all clean up so we can play outside."
11. "Oh thank you for the extra napkin."
12. "Mrs. Alida, did you see how well "D" is writing his letter L?"
13. "Good job!"
14. "Yay, we did a great job on these muffins!"

This is a snippet of the conversations the kids had. Yes, there were moments of frustration and even anger, but for the most part, the kids rally behind each other, encourage each other, root for each other. The anger and frustration doesn't last long and in most cases they work it out without very much intervention from me.

While I do believe that kids tend to be loving and thoughtful, I also purposefully create an atmosphere where love is at the center of most things we do. In the morning there is always classical music playing when the children arrive. In fact, throughout a good potion of the day, music is playing. At lunch we always say a prayer, eat family style and quite often we eat by candlelight. All this sets the tone for reverence and appreciation of the many blessing we enjoy. Where there is true appreciation, love abounds.

I think I may make a habit of jotting down all the wonderful things that are said throughout the day. It really keeps me aware of how wonderful children are and how grateful I am to share my day with them.

Quality vs Quantity

What exactly is quality time? Twenty years ago when I started out in child care "quality time" were the buzz words in the industry. We told parents that as long as they spent "quality time" with their kids, everything would be okay. Better to spend a half hour completely focused then all day taking care of other things while your child tagged along virtually ignored. I bought it! I actually believed it was true. I don't believe it anymore. Let me explain.

Quality time is certainly very important especially if you are a working parent. This much is true. However quantity is also very important. Even when we are not completely focused on our children, they are learning from us and this can be a very good thing. Parents understand the importance of getting things like the dishes or laundry done and let's be honest, sitting for hours on the floor with your toddler can get very boring. No need to feel guilty if you are not entirely engaged 100% of the time. As we go about our day, our children are learning and emulating us. If you are doing dishes, give your little ones the Tupperware in a bin and let them wipe them down. Water is completely optional. If you are baking, give you child a small piece of dough and let them knead along with you. You need not be "engaged," you don't even need to talk, just being together teaches your child about life. He learns to entertain himself, he learns what it takes to run a home. He learns that mom or dad have responsibilities beyond them. (although, honestly that last one doesn't really kick in until he is way, way older.)

Yes, you should spend time focused on your child, give them your attention, your smiles, hugs and kisses. You should sit with them at meal times and teach them that there is reverence in nourishment. These things are all important. Quantity of time is important for your child to learn what his family values. He will learn what is important, what needs to get done. Years ago my then 5 year old followed me into the bathroom and as I got down on my knees to scrub the tub he said, "You actually have to clean the bath tub?" It made me laugh, but that is how they learn, but watching us and modeling what we do. So today when people tell me that they spend a lot of "quality" time with their kids, I congratulate them. I remind however that quantity is also important.

2012

The New Year has begun to slowly unfold before us. We are thrilled to be providing children a place to learn, to explore and to enjoy their many varied talents. As we plan for 2012, we want to include parents into the mix. We never stop learning, exploring or enjoying. It's not child's play, it's life. This year we will be launching classes for adults. You'll be learning to be a role model (or perhaps recognizing that you already are), you'll be learning to parent and/or mentor consciously and with purpose.

Stay tuned for more information soon. In the meantime, we wish you much love and prosperity in 2012.

Santa Baby

The excitement of the Christmas season is palpable in young children. Unfortunately, the stress of parents can also be palpable. This holiday season I invite you to sit back for a moment and consider the realities of the season and to make a leap of faith that this year it will be truly memorable and magical, the kind of Christmas that every child deserves.

Let’s start with a simple Christmas task. Make a list and check it twice. What and who is on your holiday gift list this year? Is your six year old asking for an I-pad? Have the number of people on the list grown exponentially through the years? Will buying everything on your list for everyone on your list leave you in debt until next Christmas or beyond?

Parents so often express disbelief when their children rip through the packaging on Christmas morning only to complain a few minutes later that they are bored or worse, they play with the boxes, not the toys that came in them! Yet, year after year, we do the same thing expecting different results. Isn’t that the definition of insanity according to Einstein? So this year instead of expecting different, let’s do different. This year make the holidays really meaningful by scaling back, relaxing and enjoying the time we spend with our loved ones.

Change one thing this year. Here are a few suggestions to get you started.

1. 1. Instead of going shopping one night, stay in and bake cookies with your kids.

   2. Instead of buying another plastic, noisy toy, make a toy for your child.

   (Check these out. If you don’t sew, try this or this and throw it in a Christmas Gift Bag.)

   3. Think outside of Target or mall stores and give your kids something really great!

   (I got my kids plastic pipes from the hardware store. They played with them ALL summer long, just add water)

   4. Forgo gifts and have everyone over for Christmas Dinner or cook for someone who can’t.

   5. Consider a donation in someone’s name.

   6. Buy a memory, instead of a toy. (Tickets to the Nutcracker Ballet, a weekend camping, a day off school to spend at the aquarium, museum or painting with your child or significant other.)

   7. Open only one gift on Christmas day. Stretch the gift giving until the 6^th of January (Three Kings Day.) Each day the gift gets smaller, such as favorite card game, a candy bar, coins from different countries.

.

See how it feels to do one little thing differently, but consciously. Give yourself and your kids credit. You’ll be surprised that their excitement won’t diminish because the gifts are small or there are less of them or they are handmade. Children delight in the change of routine, the staying up late and drinking hot cocoa. They delight in the stories, in the family. They delight in knowing that this handmade gift is one of a kind, no one else will have one. Christmas is not about shopping or checking off a to do list, it’s about coming together in the spirit of rebirth and celebration. Children intrinsically get it. We adults should let them enjoy it, without spoiling it for them with our worries or expectations.

Merry Christmas to you and yours and may the peace of a newborn baby forever live in your heart.

Alida

A New Life, A New World

I haven't posted recently because although we've been open and working, life has taken over every free moment of my time, literally! Meet me precious granddaughter. Audrey Elise was born October 5, 2011 at 11:13 p.m. She weighed 7 lbs 15 oz and was 21 inches long.







So when I'm not working with other wonderful children, I'm holding this precious little one. I'll be posting again soon, but some things in life are just so important that everything else, especially blogging, pales in comparison.

Government Reform

Government does not trust parents to raise their children. Anyone in government would argue that this is not true, but I see it everywhere. It's not just government, it's teachers, business, therapists etc. We have a culture of professionals that know more, know better, know the answers and we the parents are left a bit flummoxed as to how to raise our kids. Government tries it's darnest to help, to close the gap between the have's and the have nots, but they fail to see many things. First, how are the have's and have nots defined? Is it strictly socioeconomic or are there other conditions factored in? WARNING: I'm about to get very honest and not at all politically correct. The government tries to help but in essence creates some unintended consequences. One of the first problems created by this atmosphere of professionals and government programs is that it undermines parents and families. I have spoken with several young unwed mothers who have very honestly told me that they live with their child's father but that there are no plans to get married because the government gives unwed mothers so much help in the form of money, free programs etc., that it doesn't financially behoove them to get married. Granted a few mother's is not a scientific study, but I bet I'm not too far off the mark in saying that government programs are hindering the creation of families and not aiding them. In trying to help young mother's get a head start the government programs are actually keeping them in poverty, both financially and spiritually, because it's hindering their pursuit of a better life. The life the government provides is "good enough", certainly too good to try a something different.

So government involvement in schools is no different. Government officials try, they try so hard to close the gap between the rich and the poor. They try to create programs that "will leave no child behind", yet instead of raising the bar across the board the programs have widen the gap and in the worst case scenarios they have lower the performance across the board. After a decade of NCLB, we still have failing schools, we still have children who do not meet standards, we have disgruntled (and rightly so) teachers and we have frustrated parents.

Government claims to have the child's best interest in mind. I don't believe it. I think even the best intentioned politician ultimately has his/her career front and center. They will try to do right by the children, but only so long as it doesn't hurt their career. They talk themselves into believing that if they lose their seat, they won't be able to help out during the next term. They remain silent because they want their voice to be heard. Unions claim to have the best interest of children in mind, and perhaps they come a little closer to the mark. They after all are the voice of the dedicated teachers that struggle to teach the lowliest among us. However, the teachers are not our children. When unions rail against change, any change because it could hindered the teacher's employment or benefits no matter how worthy the cause, it is still not a concern for our children. Teacher's themselves are stuck between a rock and a hard place. They are in the front line dealing with the children they serve, the obnoxious parents, the overbearing administration. They are in constant flux year in and year out regarding their employment, all the while concerned with the livelihood of their own families. Really it's so much that any true concern for the children is trumped by all the other things going on.

Which brings me to the parent. We are the only ones who can truly have our own children's best interest in mind, but the government can't trust us. I can't say that I can really blame them. I too often see why they feel a need to step in. I have often tried to step in myself and "help" a parent who I think is struggling. My eagerness to help is rarely met with enthusiasm or gratitude. Usually my help is met with resistance, indignation and hostility. I however, unlike the government am not offering money or free programs, so my help is usually rejected. So what is a government to do when dealing with such vast difference in attitudes, socioeconomic levels, religious differences, cultural differences etc? Well I think they can fearlessly open the gates of choice. I know that this is quite controversial. Charter schools, vouchers, online learning, private schools, public schools, special programs, continuation school, evening classes, why not just offer it all up as the ultimate sacrifice on the altar of our children. Really give parents a choice and a voice on how their children will be educated. Give parents back the responsibility of raising their kids. What will happen to schools and teachers if the flood gates of education are opened wide? You know, my concern is MY children and THEIR future. I'm sure that well educated teachers will figure it out, isn't that ultimately when a good education is useful?

Stay tuned for the next post: Parent Reform

Faith

Most things in life require a leap of faith. Life is fluid and ever evolving. You could know a person for years and at some point you choose to keep things the way they are or take a leap of faith and marry them. I know couples that took things slow and steady. Couples who got to know each other over years and still their relationship ended in divorce. I know couples that took a leap of faith just months after meeting and they are still together, going strong. I also know couples where the opposite is true. People will say it didn't work out because they jumped into their relationship or because they married once the relationship was stagnant, they had know each other for too a long time. Truth is, we never know how things will work out or why some things do work out and other don't. In the end, you either take a leap of faith or you stop growing.

Home schooling requires a huge leap of faith. I love teaching my kids, but as much as I love it, I struggle with having faith that I am teaching them what I'm supposed to be teaching and that they will learn what they need to learn. Anyone else on this boat with me? I struggle so much with it, that it has become the theme for this year. Last year my fear of not teaching the kids what they needed was so vast that I enrolled them in a virtual school. I have no complaints about the school, except that I am so used to having my own curriculum that I felt their was stifling. What I learned was that some things presented were completely new to my kids. I had never covered it. Most things however were will below their cognitive level. I'm not saying that my kids are particularly intelligent, but I do think that by allowing them to be curious, by giving them one on two attention, by linking learning to real life experiences they really get to know their stuff. You would think that after that experience I would have tremendous faith that this road I've chosen for my kids is the right one, but you'd be wrong to think so.

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother."
~Khalil Gibran~

I often write about trusting the process and I think it's time to start following my own advice, but how? That is always the tricky part isn't is? Well I have a plan. It's simple, it's straightforward and it will work. I've always worked with a foggy plan. Since it was not my intent to actually home school my plan was lacking. It was written down, but it never felt serious. It never felt like I was a teacher. Things changed a bit last year when I opened the preschool. For the preschool I have a definite plan. I have a rhythm, a mission statement, policies, a degree and I'm licensed. I'm a real teacher for young ones. This year I'm also a real teacher for my kids. The e-course I'm taking through Fairy Dust Teaching is awesome. It's taking me step by step in organizing my plan. It takes into a account state standards (which I has never done before), there is a theme, there is the putting all together in a notebook. It's perfect. There are however a few more things I need to work on to make this year successful.

I need to practice having faith. I have deep faith in God, but sometimes it's difficult to let go of the reins, even when I don't know where I'm going. This year the route (plan) is clear and I'm handing the reins over to a greater power. I'll do the work, but I'm not going to be responsible for the outcome. I promise to be present, to work hard and do my best. My kids need to be present and do their part. I have to have faith that the results will follow. I need to trust the process and that my kids, whether home schooled or in a brick and mortar setting will get the knowledge they need to be successful. In case I forget I posted the following quote on the front of my curriculum notebook:

"There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever."
~Mahatma Gandhi~

This House is a Mess!

My goodness it's not easy keeping a house neat and tidy when you have kids. Those toddler years especially are challenging. There is no secret to a clean house. There is no getting around it, at some point you just have to clean. Don't despair however, there are a few tricks that seasoned mothers like myself have learned.

• SIMPLIFY!

Have I said this before? The less you have the easier it is to keep clean. I remember living in a roomy three bedroom apartment that became a crowded three bedroom apartment a few month before the birth of my son. Babies come with a lot of stuff. My suggestion to mothers that are expecting is not to open and unpack everything. Some things you may find you don't like or don't need. You may be able to return them and get more diapers. Secondly, don't buy all the hype. A mobile is really unnecessary and so temporary. You are going to have to take it down the minute your child can pull himself up. Most of the time he is in his crib, he'll be sleeping (hopefully), so it's not going to stimulate him visually. There is plenty to stimulate him visually in his natural world. Be choosy about the things you have in your home. If it's not useful or beautiful (in a way that makes you feel good and doesn't cause stress) , you probably shouldn't keep it.

• Start with a clean home.

If your home has been neglected, you need to clean it, there is just no getting around it. Buckle down and clean. My suggestion would be to clean, but not organize at this point. It'll become overwhelming and it won't get done. Get yourself a box and put everything that is not in it's place in the box. Get everything off your floors and mop or vacuum them. Get everything off your counters and shelves and dust and wipe. Once your home is clean, floors mopped, dust bunnies cleaned up, everything dusted, then you can slowly begin to organize.

• 30 minutes a day

When you get up in the morning take 15 minutes to clean up, even is it means getting up 15 minutes earlier. Make your bed. After you use the bathroom and brush your teeth, take a wipe (I love Kirkland baby wipe from Costco, but the Clorox wipes work well too) and wipe down all the surfaces of your bathroom. After breakfast, put everything in the dishwasher and wipe down all the counters, sweep the floor. Before going to bed, take 15 minutes to put things back where they belong, including your clothes and shoes. Vacuum your carpets. Have your kids get into this habit by helping them put their toys "to sleep" before they get ready for bed.

• Once a week

Once a week clean your bathroom, kitchen and dust the furniture. Instill your child's help if he is old enough (even a toddler can help wipe down surfaces, especially if you are using baby wipes).

• Let it go

Understand that there are times when cleaning has to take a back seat. If you or your child are sick. If you just had a baby. If it's the middle of the day and your kids are making forts with the couch cushions. In times like these, you have to put cleaning aside and sometimes even accept the help of family and friends. I know your sister doesn't fold towels the way you like or that your friend doesn't know where your pots and pans go, it's okay.

Life is sometimes a mess and then you feel better and you clean it up and you go on your way. Your house will be like that too.

Happy Cleaning,

Alida


p.s. If you need some serious help, check out The Fly Lady.

Observing

When was the last time you sat in silence with your child and observed nature in action? These moments are few and far between. With the mastery of speech comes an onslaught of verbal observations. Look, mommy look! This is the child's anthem. I have often used the "it's quiet time" just so that I could have a moment to concentrate. Sometimes I use it at the grocery store so that I can have a minute to read a label, or in the car so I can concentrate as a search for a particular address. If not checked, children (and some adults) will start their verbal onslaught upon waking and it will continue throughout the end until lights out at the end of the evening. I once found my son sitting behind the sofa in quiet contemplation and asked him what he was thinking about. I NEVER made that mistake again. It was just so strange that I was actually concerned that something was wrong.

One of my goal for the kids in the program is to balance them out a bit when it comes to verbal chatter and quiet time. We tend to associate verbal fluency with intelligence and there maybe a correlation. However there is a difference between verbal fluency and verbal chatter. I tell the kids all time to use their words like pearls. They should be helpful and beautiful. You can say, Where's the marble? Where's the marble? Where's the marble? over and over again or you can say , help me find the marble. The first only serves to annoy because the marble can't hear you. The latter illicits help and it will help solve the problem of the lost marble.

Quiet moments can be magical. Once long ago my son and I were sitting on the couch sipping hot chocolate and watching the snow fall. Not a word passed between us but we shared so much that day. I strive to have moments like this a least on a weekly basis. This morning I called all the kids to come to the back door. I put my finger to my lips as they each joined me, letting them know to be very quiet. There was a cat prowling outside, stalking our resident blue birds. We watched quietly for a second when one child piped up. "Look at the cat!" I put my hand on his shoulder, smiled and without saying a word I put my finger back up on my lips. No words. It was a gentle reminder. I did this a couple of times with different children. It's hard to keep quiet when something exciting is going on. We managed to observe the cat until he grew tired or bored and he jumped the fence into the neighbors yard. I then had the kids draw a picture of what they observed. It was awesome. Once their pictures where done they each got a chance to share all about the cat and the bird. It was interesting how each one shared something different. The observations were not jaded by someone else's experience and in the end we all got more out of it.

Giving voice to your thoughts can be empowering and healing, but it loses it's value if it's done constantly and without thought. Quiet observation is also quite powerful. I often tell the kids about Jane Goodall. She just sat for years and watched the chimps. Why they ask. I tell them that's how she learned about them. Sometimes I tell them, all your questions can be answered if you quietly observe your surroundings.

The Good News

I write about what's "wrong" with our public education system. The good news is that there are a lot of individuals and organizations that are doing things right. For me, doing things right means simply offering a choice, a differing opinion, someone who is giving us something to think about. In the circles that I gravitate to, there is talk about a paradigm shift. I see it. I feel it.

This new paradigm is about creativity. It's about doing things in a new way. It's about fearless teaching and learning. It's about trusting the process and understanding that learning is continual, though not necessarily linear. It's about sharing what you know even if you don't have a degree. It's about creating something meaningful and knowing that a hand knitted baby beanie made of the softest lambs wool is as beautiful and as beneficial as creating new fuel technology. It's about understanding the value of fairy tales and myths and really believing that the fastest doesn't always win the race. It's knowing that knowledge comes in many forms and that the most important thing in life is to be ever curious.

This weekend I leave you with a list of links to sites that are prompting these values. I hope you take the time to look them over and share you thoughts.

• The Alliance for Childhood
• The Parenting Passageway
• The National Institute for Play
• Fairy Dust Teaching
• Playscapes
• Lynn Jericho

There are many, many more, but these will give you some good reading material for the weekend.

I would like to wish all the dads out there a very happy Father's Day. You are as varied as your children. Some of you work day in and day out to provide for your families. Some of you struggle because you lacked an appropriate role model. Some of you are stay at home dads trying to find your place in a world dominated by women. Know that all of you are loved by your children and appreciated by those whose life you make a little sweeter. Thanks and enjoy.

Alida

Holding the Space

When you are the mother of young children it's very easy to get into the mode where you are just counting the days when your kids can do things on their own. I remember taking my then two year old to the park and being baffled because he wanted to play with me. Seriously? The park was my place to chill out and relax. My goal was to NOT do the baby/child thing. Then I read an article that talked about "holding a space" for children. As children get older they start to do more and more things independently. However it takes a while before they become proficient at it and during that time we adults sometimes need to hold a space for them. Basically this means we have to be physically present even if we are not actively participating. For example, your two or three year old is learning to dress themselves, but they are not at the point where you can walk away and have them do it on their own. You need to be in the room with them while they are dressing. This can be frustrating because a parent may feel like they are wasting time. You are not helping them, in fact, they may adamantly refuse your help with cries of, " I can do it!" You may begin to notice all the other things you can be doing during this time like load the dishwasher, sort the laundry etc.

I urge you to take a deep breath and remember where your priorities lie. Teaching your child life skills ranks among the most important things your child will learn. Holding a space is not a waste of time, it's an important step in the journey your child is making towards independence. You should hold a space whenever your child is mastering a skill. Especially for very young children, showing them once is not enough for them to do it on their own. Think of holding a space as a cheer-leading activity.

To start off you need to show your child what you want done. Remember to be specific. If you just say, "Clean your room" the task becomes overwhelming to a child. Instead ask him to sweep the floor. Show them how to sweep the floor, then let them try. Be patient. Show them again if needed. Stay in the room and offer encouragement and direction. As your child becomes more proficient, offer less direction and encouragement, but stay in the room. The more proficient they become, the less involved you need to be, but you should still be in the room. How long must you hold the space? As long as needed. It will depends on the task, your child's maturity level, his attention span and his physical capabilities.

Some children can do very simple tasks by age four or five. More complicated chores may require your presence until 7 or 8. Keep in mind that even as an adult, it's nice to have someone hold a space for us sometimes. It offers a wonderful sense of support and security.

Alida

The Sound of Silence

I've been reading Rudolf Steiner and Charlotte Mason for the past few days. I find it fascinating that their writing is over 100 years old and yet so much of it, in fact most of it, still applies today. Their pedagogy have many similarities. The most striking for me is the idea of talking to children less or actually explaining less. We parents have been taught that if we want our child to have a rich vocabulary we should talk with them and read to them as often as possible. While I agree with this, I think, as with many things in education, we've gone overboard. Think of the Mozart Effect, so many parents buying Mozart CD's, in the hopes of giving thier child every possible advantage. While, again, this maybe help to wire connections in the brain, it's only a piece of the puzzle.

We are now coming full circle and coming back to basics...it's not that talking is over-rated, but rather that silence is under-rated. How often throughout your day do you have moments of silence? Is their constant chatter going on in your life and/or mind. Are you constantly verbalizing every thought that crosses your mind? How is this affecting your child?

So, where do we begin? How do we choose what we share with our children and what we keep silent about? I read a blog post sometime ago at The Parenting Passageway where she states that "words should be used like pearls." Like everything else, your words should be a conscious manifestation of your thoughts. They should be kind and used for the improvement of your surroundings. Wow! What would happen if we all used our words in this manner? This is pretty powerful stuff!

I'm not suggesting you stop talking with your child. What I am suggesting is that you give thought to your words before they leave your lips. For instance, it's fine to engage your baby while changing their diaper, or during mealtimes. Often times, I found myself talking to my baby simply because there was no one else in the house to talk to! Those moments need to be tempered with moments of silence, like during nursing. I've never met a mother who speaks to her baby during nursing. I don't know if it's instinct kicking in, or just the sheer awe of the moment that keeps us quiet. As your child grow older, he learns to speak by listening to you and those around him. Wawa becomes water. Baba become bottle. As they grow older still your child becomes a chatterbox. This is his job....but it is no longer yours.

As your child's vocabulary becomes richer, you need to make sure your are not tuning him out with constant chatter or explanation about everything under the sun. Children learn and come to knowledge through their experiences, not through yours. It's fine to offer simply explanations when asked, but it's most important to remain silent and let the child observe. They are soaking up the knowledge of life and the world around them, whether it's a bird looking for twigs to build a nest or listening to the sounds coming from the MP3 player, they are observing and absorbing everything around them. Do not rush your young children, learning is a process.

Few words are essential when you are disciplining your child regardless of age. This has been a difficult lesson for me, especially during the teenage and early adult years of my two oldest. The sound of my voice dishing out advice, how to's and reprimands seemed to be my favorite sound in the world. (Sorry, S and J) What I've learned is the less I say, the more they listen. I make it easier for them to not have to sift through all the chatter and get to the essence of my message. I give it to them straight and forward. When my younger ones feel the need to negotiate something that is not negotiable, I simply state that this is not negotiable and go on about my day, singing to myself and ignoring any further requests. Oh, but ignoring a child is just cruel! I'm not ignoring the child. I am simply ignoring a question that I have already answered. I'm teaching my child that you do not need to engage in a power struggle. I'm teaching him that time and words are precious and I don't want to waste them. Again, the child will learn this through observation. We teach as much by what we leave out as by what we share.

This has been a learning process not just for me, but for those around me. Often lately, my husband will ask me if everything is okay because I'm so quiet. I have noticed to that he is speaking less also, but when we do share our thoughts, they are heartfelt and interesting and we are better listeners now that we don't have that need to fill in the silence. There are many things our children must learn in order to have fulfilling and successful lives. I think that being comfortable in silence is one of the most important.